Dear Ms Boss of the Universe,
Tell me who is pecking at your liver, gripping at your lungs, and stealing the feeling of self-worth from your heart? Who is disrespecting you? Who is depleting your spleen by taking advantage of your good faith and sucking the strength from your womb? Who is manipulating you? Who?
You are strong enough to bring order back into your relationships. You are strong enough to do it right NOW. In fact, it is imperative that you do! It’s time for you to put the people in your life into groups which define the distance they should have from you in order of 1 to 10. It’s time for you to decide whom you will love from afar and for you to banish all leeches from your Universe.
Today, we will be VERY practical. We will roll up our sleeves and get straight to work.
You already know how important it is to clean out, reorganise, and declutter your closets.
You are aware of the significance of removing toxins from your body.
Now you need to do the same for your relationships.
I wish I had known what I know now sooner, because for a very long time, I had no idea how crucial this was.
Today, we will be tidying up your relationships.
I had been taught about practicing unconditional love and opening up my heart my entire life. I grew up thinking that the only way to live is by accepting and forgiving everything, because that is the nature of feminine energy.
I had been so open.
I had no filter.
No front gates to keep intruders out.
Even phones and emails need a PIN code or password to unlock yet I had nothing. Not even a single, most basic protective mechanism.
I was the living, breathing embodiment of a Doors Open Day.
I allowed everyone, from kings to beggars and thieves, into the gentlest and most vulnerable parts of my heart.
I accepted both remedies and deadly poisons equally.
I didn’t know better, so I allowed myself to be abused, lead on, exploited, and manipulated. I suppressed my voice and denied my truths.
LOVE = ORDER
I’ve always known how to see the best in people, which is a beautiful and admirable trait.
Sadly, it didn’t serve me because I wasn’t capable of seeing people for who they truly were. I was blind to their true nature.
And even if I did see it, I had no idea how to set boundaries so they wouldn’t exploit me.
I always thought that boundaries had no place in love.
But there can be no love without boundaries.
There can be no love without order.
The hardest, yet most liberating and healing, experience I have ever had, was learning to love someone from afar. I had to do it; there had been no other way. Being forced to do so also taught me how to label my relationships from one to ten.
The reason why I say I had no choice but to do it, is because if I hadn’t, the people in my life would have eaten me alive
It was a life or death situation. My health and safety were at stake.
I first learned about these things from Kristin Sweeting Morelli. I used her incredibly beautiful layouts and source material to create a system for myself. I also combined this wisdom with Chinese medicine and my knowledge of getting in touch with your organs.
So now, I am capable of being simultaneously open and safe.
I want to share this system with you, because it will be extremely helpful to you. It will also bring you a lot of clarity.
Power and responsibility go hand in hand.
Until we take responsibility for our actions, we cannot be strong and empowered.
Imagine the might and excellence of the entire Universe. The planets. The solar systems.
Order and a healthy amount of distance are crucial for the existence of this excellence.
ORDER AND BALANCE
The greater and more powerful something is, the more order and carefully assigned distances and proximities it requires.
This goes for you too. It especially goes for you too.
And for me, of course. For everyone.
The greater and more powerful we wish to be, the more we need to make sure that we have order and the correct amount of distance in our lives.
(Greatness means that we are fulfilling both our highest potentials as well as our dreams. Power means being in touch with ourselves, knowing who we are, and being aware of our wishes.)
For example, I find Giorgos so funny and adorable. Whenever we are having a discussion among friends, he never stops telling us that the words we are using originate from Greek. He then proceeds to tell us (or rather lecture us on J) what they really mean.
We will be talking about pyramids… and he will immediately inform us that the word ‘pyramid’ is actually Greek and means ‘a place for storing energy’. Or that it literally means ‘a box for storing energy’.
Do you know what the word ‘Universe’ means in Greek?
The Greek word ‘Cosmos’ actually means ‘ORDER in the Universe’.
It is the opposite of chaos.
You are the centre of your Universe. You are (as is written in the Book of Changes I-Ching) the centre of everything. You are the driving force of change. You are the one who can transform anything.
You can transform and change anything. If, and only if, you accept your role and all its responsibilities. If you truly become the centre that decides everything else, including the position of every inhabitant of your Universe
A planet that is optimally positioned supports life.
A planet that is too close to the Sun can be detrimental for life.
A planet that is too far from to the Sun can also destroy life.
The same goes for relationships.
YOUR TASK: FIND THE RIGHT PROXIMITY
Grasping the importance of distance has been the greatest ‘Eureka’ moment of my life, as it has helped me maintain balance. Balance is the prerequisite and the requirement for happiness, fulfilment, and satisfaction, as well as health and peace.
And, yes, ‘Eureka’ is also a Greek word!
(Giorgos just entered my office and instructed me to tell you that 60% of all English words stem from Greek and if we took them away, people wouldn’t be able to communicate with one another. He’ll probably be back in three minutes to add that there are 5 secret Greek letters that function like mantras, and, when said out loud, activate the glands in our body…
Yep, here he is. My beloved Greek god. It hasn’t even been a minute. “Greek is a healing language,” he is saying right now, excitedly. “Tel them that! Tell them!”)
So what does a healthy distance in relationships even mean and how do we maintain it?
Take a big, empty piece of paper.
Now draw a circle into the middle of it.
Next, make a small dot in the middle of the circle.
That dot is you.
The circle around you is your personal space.
This is the energy field that only you (and your child until the age of seven) have access to.
NO ONE IS ALLOWED IN.
Not even your partner if you want your relationship to be healthy. You both need to be strong, independent trees with your own roots and your own trunks. The only parts of you that should gently and partially interweave are your treetops.
We are all entitled to our own personal space, our own safe zone, and our own energy field.
All great teachers, masters, and healers know this. Until a person has their own energy field, they cannot heal anyone – they have no power.
TEN MORE CIRCLES
Ok, time to draw some more.
First, make another circle around the first. Each new circle is bigger and further away from your dot.
Keep adding more circles, until you have eleven of them in total, meaning your dot and your personal energy field are surrounded by ten additional circles. Next, assign the number one to the space between the first and the second circle, the number two to the space between the second and third circle, and so on, until you reach the number ten.
Now think of all the people in your life. Your partner. Your kids. Your parents. Your relatives. Your acquaintances, co-workers, subordinates, and superiors.
Write all their names onto a separate piece of paper. Make a list.
The effect of this exercise will be much stronger if you not only read my description of it, but also do it.
If we write things down, they have greater power.
I often read about various exercises and merely skim through them. But if I want to benefit from them, I need to perform them. That’s the only way they can serve me and fulfil their purpose.
Now, think of every person whose name you’ve written down, and try to define their proximity to you.
Feel whether your heart beats with excitement, when you think about a certain person. Does the thought of them and the space they occupy in your Universe bring a smile to your face? Or do you feel something else?
Do any of these people make your stomach turn? Do any of them make you tighten your jaw? Do they make you feel tense?
Your body might not have an extreme physical reaction. Watch out for small feelings of discomfort in your body. Your body will always tell you EVERYTHING. All you need to do is relax and listen!
Those people who are occupying the right space in your life will bring a smile to your face and joy into your body.
1 = GREATEST PROXIMITY, 10 = GREATEST DISTANCE
Circle number one represents the closest a person can get to you. Circle number ten represents the furthest.
Now, distribute the people from your list into these ten circles.
Those who you spend the most time with, those who take up the most of your space, those who are closest to you (whether in a good or bad sense), those whom you spend the most of your energy on, and those whose influence on you is the strongest belong into circle number one.
Following this logic, continue distributing people all the way to circle number ten.
Be honest with yourself and write everything the way it is. Write the way you truly feel.
Once you finish, most people from your list will probably fall into two categories – those in circles one and two, and those in circle number ten – with a gap in between.
Look at the picture. This is how the people in your life have been distributed. This is how you have distributed them.
Also, feel whether any of these people have entered your personal space – your personal circle – and taken up residence within it. Have they taken hold of a part of you that belongs exclusively to you?
That happened to me.
A simple exercise that lets you know whether or not this has happened to you, or is happening to you, is to close your eyes and imagine/visualise or feel a gold egg of energy around your body.
Once you feel this energy field (if your energy field is suppressed or depleted, you might not be able to feel it, so your first priority should be to rebuild and reclaim it), see or feel, if there is anyone with you in the field. If there is that is not a good sign. Move them out.
Still write down the name of this person onto your piece of paper into your personal cycle.
Once you’ve outlined the current state of your Universe, check to see if everything is arranged and organised in a way that supports, respects, heals, inspires, and nurtures you and your energy.
WHAT KIND OF SUPPORT DO THE FIVE PEOPLE CLOSEST TO YOU OFFER YOU?
The five people who are closest to you (not necessarily physically) define your life.
The kind of energy that they radiate is what nurtures and feeds you. You co-inhabit that energy. It defines you.
So, are the five people closest to you healthy or harmful for you?
It’s important that you answer this question truthfully.
Now, look at your piece of paper again and feel whether your Universe needs any changes in distance and proximity.
Is there a person currently residing in circle number three, when they should actually be in circle number eight?
Who was assigned to circle number ten, although they actually belong into circle number three, simply because other people are taking up too much of your time?
Who needs to be removed entirely because their presence is so toxic for you?
Yes, that is also an option.
For me it was the hardest one of all to choose, but it was necessary.
Certain people need to be kicked out of your Universe straight Into non-existence.
Others need to be pushed as far away from you as possible – to the very edge.
This year, at the workshop on self-healing, Mantak Chia explained how to treat cancer cells in the body.
We need to take away their source of energy. We need to deprive them of all nourishment, and all attention. We need to cut them off. These cells are so harmful and deformed that, with all due respect and love, all their food sources need to be taken away.
As soon as you give them even the slightest amount of energy, they use it against you. If you give them attention, they grow and suffocate you. Some cells simply cannot and should not be saved.
Healthy cells, however, need to be nourished and strengthened, so that they can remove sick and poisonous cells from the body. By refusing to flush out the malignant, you are destroying the healthy. You need to choose between one or the other.
The same goes for people.
Some of them will devour the hand that feeds them.
There are people in the world whom you could give everything and they would still demand more.
They never have enough.
They refuse to take care of themselves so they demand you be their source of energy.
You need to throw these people out of your Universe.
They need to be kicked out straight into non-existence, lest they infect your entire Universe, enter into your personal energy field, and suffocate you.
Believe me when I tell you that they do not care about you.
Not even a little bit.
As soon as they are done with you, they will move on to find another source to feed on and devour.
They couldn’t care less about you.
They couldn’t care less about anyone.
I had to learn how to kick such people out the hard way — with a spiritually abusive weiner as well as with my previous business partner.
I found the whole experience so incredibly difficult. And the resistance I experienced from the other two parties was immense.
The only way I could do it was by being unrelenting.
By building a sky-high barrier to keep them out and prevent them from ever entering my Universe again. The same goes for you.
I am serious.
And want to know a funny thing? The two people I kicked out ended up together.
Do you have any such people on your list?
It’s time to get rid of them.
LOVE FROM A DISTANCE
The next category is called ‘love from a distance’.
It is intended for the people who you love immeasurably and unconditionally, yet who always hurt you as soon as you allow them close to you. The people who you wish, with all your heart, would change and realise that they need to respect and protect you, but they never do.
Yet you still keep hope alive.
You hope, and hope, and hope that, one day, things will be different. But they never, ever will.
My mother is one of these people on my list.
The only healthy way for me to love her is from a distance.
Anything else is harmful for me.
She has never once protected me, so I have to protect myself.
REARANGE YOUR UNIVERSE
Now it’s time to take a new piece of paper and re-draw the dot, your energy field circle, and the additional ten circles. Rearrange all the people from your first picture and move them to the circles where they truly belong.
Make sure that their placement best suits you!
Not anyone else.
You are the centre of the Universe. You are the Boss of your Universe.
If you are out of alignment, your entire Universe becomes unstable.
Your wishes, feelings, and needs should be your compass when assigning people to their rightful circle.
The only rule you need to follow is that your needs must be met.
It’s important that you are surrounded by people who participate in the exchange and flow of your energy.
It’s unnecessary and wrong for you to be the only one who contributes and invests into the relationship. It needs to be reciprocated.
Those who need to be kicked out of your Universe you simply cross out. You also don’t write their names into the second picture. Make sure you do this step with integrity, strength, and the power of intention.
Those who you will love from afar you write into a corner outside of and separate from the circles.
Allow these people to exist in a separate Universe. Be aware of its existence, be aware of your love for them, but do not allow them to come close to you. It is not healthy for you.
Let these people exist outside of your circles and allow them to grow. Allow them to live within their own energies, not feeding off yours. You never know what life might have in store for you in the future… But remember, only people who truly respect and protect you can enter your Universe.
I promise you it’s not as complicated as it might sound.
Let me give you an example.
Let’s say there is a person in circle number two.
You spend a lot of time together, you talk on the phone, and your lives are interconnected.
But this person is wearing you out.
She can be anyone. A friend, a family member.
She’s a good person. But her reality is different from yours. She sees the world differently than you do. She believes that nothing is possible for her. No matter how many solutions and options you come up with, she will always shut you down with her problems. She doesn’t support your dreams. And because you spend so much time with her, because you are constantly exposed to her point of view and breathing in her beliefs, you eventually start doubting yourself too.
If you move this person from circle number two to circle number eight, you will be able to have a beautiful relationship. You might see each other less, and you might tell her less about your life, but that doesn’t mean you cannot have an amazing time together.
Moving her to circle number eight simply means that she will no longer have such a strong effect on you. Simultaneously, you will create enough space for another person, whom you previously didn’t have the time to see as often, to come closer to you. A person who supports you.
Someone who believes in you. Who sees the world the way you do.
Your first three circles should be filled with people who give you stability, strength, and support. People who do not put you down or annoy you.
You’ll see. Reassigning a person’s position in your life can completely transform both that person and your relationship with them.
This is the case with my dad and me.
If we spend too much time together, things never work out. We come from two entirely different planets. We believe in different rules. What he believes in is true. For him. What I believe in is true too. For me..
If we maintain the right amount of distance between us, we both have the space to express all the love we feel towards one another and out relationship can flourish. If we get too close, we burn too bright and we incinerate each other.
The thought of my dad alone brings such a huge smile to my lips now. My beloved daddy!
Moving some people further away is not a horrible thing.
It doesn’t mean you don’t love them.
It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with them. Or with you.
You simply need to find the distance between you and the people in your life that feels right and healthy for you.
Kristin Sweeting Morelli calls this ‘the sweet spot’.
Because once you find your sweet spots, you will be able to rearrange the people in your life at any given time. Perhaps you will move some of them closer and others further apart, and that is completely normal.
Perhaps some people will need to be deported.
Others might be put on a waiting list until they can be granted access into your Universe. But first they need to obtain their citizenship.
You shouldn’t immediately grant visas to people who haven’t proven to be trustworthy either. You should do a background check before you allow people into your energetic personal space/Universe, because it is as important as your physical personal space.
The right distance between you and the people in your life ensures that energy can freely flow both ways. You receive as much as you give. And you give as much as you receive.
This doesn’t mean you are self-interested. This is merely the law of the Universe.
Now I have so much clarity about all the people in my life. I see someone and I know they belong in circle number four. I also immediately know what that means.
When I am in Slovenia, I spend most of my time with people from my first and second circle. If I have any time left to spare, I move on to circle number three.
This is not a bad thing.
A bad thing would be if I neglected my closest loved ones by spending time with people who do not reciprocate in my energy exchange.
We also don’t have to be close to everybody. And that is also not a bad thing.
For example, I have friends all over the world whom I very rarely see, despite the fact that they are in my closest circles.
The catch is in knowing how much of yourself you are prepared to share with which people, how many pieces of advice you will take and from whom, and whom you will run to when you need help.
I love and adore my dad, but I will never ever go to him for advice. I also won’t tell him about my hopes, dreams, and plans. Because it wouldn’t make any sense. He simply doesn’t understand them. But I will celebrate all my achievements with him.
This way of organising your Universe helps you make sure that all your relationships support and serve you. It makes you realise that you are the one who decides the distances between yourself and the people around you.
These distances are also the defence mechanisms that enable you to have an open heart.
Do you remember when, in one of my previous Sunday Letters, I called you a Queen? And told you that a Queen decided who would be granted access into her kingdom and her palace?
Well, this is it!
I repeat you are not being self-interested. You are simply protecting your energy. Once all the people in your life are in their rightful place, your energy will be aligned and stable.
You will feel it in your womb.
You will know whether or not the people around you are at the right distance.
You do not need to argue or be mad at anyone as you figure out where they belong.
You can perform this exercise calmly.
The only thing you are doing is changing the rhythm and order of your life.
Perhaps the people on the other side will be relieved as well.
Perhaps you are demanding something from someone who cannot provide it for you.
So by moving them further away you will create the space necessary for a new person who can give you what you need to enter your life.
The worst thing we can do is expect certain people to give us exactly what we imagine they should.
Or they can but don’t want to.
We need to respect both these possibilities. But we also need to adjust our proximity to such people accordingly.
I have noticed that my relationships with the people in my first and second circle are very free. None of us is trying to control or own the other.
Sometimes we don’t talk for extended periods of time yet when we hear from each other again it is as though no time has passed at all. There are no lingering resentments or expectations. But at the same time, we would travel across the world at three in the morning if one of us needed help.
In our moments of need, we are there for one another 24/7.
Sometimes we are all but inseparable and send each other more than 130 messages a day. Other times we hardly talk. But we always love each other equally and everything is good.
WRITE DOWN YOUR STANDARDS
Write down the ‘Code’ of your Universe.
What are the standards you will uphold for the people you allow closest to you?
My criterion is that I need to feel comfortable being me and living every single part of me.
I need to be able to express all my emotions.
I need to be accepted completely and unconditionally.
I need these people to support me yet simultaneously allow me to take my own steps forward.
I need them to guide me to independence.
I need them to listen to me and hear me.
I need them to be as brutally honest and as gently loving as possible.
I need them to be ok with me having a different opinion.
What is absolutely unacceptable for you?
- I do not allow anyone to ‘raise’ me.
- To possess me.
- To tie me to themselves and attempt to manipulate me.
- I cannot feel any discomfort in any organ of my body, when I am with them.
- I do not allow anyone to put me down or belittle me.
I most certainly do not allow them to use my weaknesses or my painful past in order to one up me, assert dominance over me, or prove a point. This is an absolute ‘no go’ for me. No way. Time out. Get out. Now.
I do not allow anyone to tell me how to feel or which emotions to express.
It is unacceptable for someone to tell me they love me and believe that gives them the right to treat me like a small, ignorant little girl.
I do not allow people to make decisions for me.
Once you complete this circular exercise, you will immediately feel relief and freedom.
You will start implementing its principles into your life so regularly that most of the weight you are now carrying on your shoulders will fall away. You will be able to breathe freely again.
Imagine that feeling you get when you successfully renovate your home. Or declutter your closet and throw away all the clothes that no longer fit you. Or paint your walls and make new space in all the rooms of your apartment.
Everything is new and fresh.
Yes, there is chaos involved in every big renovation.
But that is the only way you can enter into a new dimension of order.
Don’t worry if your home/apartment/Universe will seem a bit empty at first after you are done remodelling. Believe me that all the new empty spaces will be filled in the most beautiful ways possible. It’s better to have a few beautiful statement pieces than a handful of junk.
Tidy up your Universe, my dear.
Rearrange it exactly the way you want it.
Make it comfortable and homely. Make every nook and cranny feel like your dream home.
It is yours.
You are the architect, the interior decorator, and the project manager.
You are all that and more.
So live it.
I love you,